"The Newfangled Science of Telegraphy": Transmissions from the Dark Continent!

The following is to be counted among the first of the telegrams ever having come to have had its transmittal effectuated. Its transmittal issued betwixt Zambia and the Dutch East India Company Headquarters (at that time located, for tax reasons, in St. Louis, MO). Precise date of transmittal is unknown due to extensive redactions to be found amongst the evidentiary archives. It seems that someone---or daresay I something---was mighty keyed up to conceal his treachery. Whatever the fiend's motives---be he man or beast---be ye assured that betwixt seven-score-and-five-years-ago and to-day, this Anarchist has surely been made to face the Judgment of He From Whom No-thing Can Be Concealed. Remember, Good Neighbor, that where lurks treachery lurks also Witchcraft, Juvenile Delinquency and the Catalyst of Social Degeneracy and Province of Jesuitism that makes itself knowne to be called as Race Music! To the Worthy Man and Good Calvinist, say I: look ye herein and to the Hereafter for clews!

THE TALKING DRUM BEGAT THE AUSTRALOPITHECINE DIDGERIDOO {STOP} THE AUSTRALOPITHECINE DIDGERIDOO BEGAT SEMAPHORES {STOP} SEMAPHORES BEGAT {STOP} THE BEATLES HELP IN COLOUR {STOP} WHICH CLASSIC MADCAP NINETEEN SIXTIES FILM BEGAT PRIMITIVE TELEGRAPHY {STOP} PRIMITIVE TELEGRAPHY BEGAT THE NEWFANGLED SCIENCE OF TELEGRAPHY {STOP} WHICH SHALL HEREAFTER HAVE BEGOTTEN TELEPHANY {STOP} THE INTERCONNECTED ELECTRONIC COMPUTER TERMINAL PROTOCOL SERVICE {STOP} IECTPS {STOP} WHICH WILL HAVE COME TO OF BEGOTTEN CELLULAR TELEPHONY {STOP} THE ANNOYING DUDE FROM THOSE GOD DAMNED WHATEVER IT IS COMMERCIALS WHERE HES WALKING AROUND WITH A BIG CROWD OF PEOPLE YOU KNOW WHO IM TALKING ABOUT HE WEARS GLASSES AND LIKE OH ITS VERIZON WIRELESS {STOP} FUCK THAT COMPANY {STOP} LIKE SERIOUSLY HOW LONG HAVE THEY BEEN FLOGGING THAT DEAD HORSE {STOP} I DONT CARE HOW MANY BARS YOU GOT YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD {STOP} WHY DONT YOU GO GET A GIRLFRIEND OR HERES AN IDEA {STOP} TRY READING A BOOK FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF JUST RUNNING AROUND GETTING DRUNK AT ALL HOURS OF NIGHT {STOP} IN MY DAY WE DIDNT HAVE THESE NEWFANGLED CONTRAPTIONS {STOP} OR NONE OF YOUR GOD DAMNED HARD ROCK MUSIC {STOP} WE SAT AROUND THE CAMPFIRE AND TOLD EACH OTHER SCARY STORIES ABOUT WHAT ALL OUR PARISH PRIESTS THEY WAS UP TO {STOP} SURE AND INCEST WAS A PROBLEM IN THOSE DAYS OF THE COVERED WAGONS WHAT WITH ALL THE COLOURDS LIVIN ON THE PLANTATION {STOP} BUT COULD BE THAT NOWADAYS IT JUST AINT AS WIDELY REPORTED YOU SEE {STOP} BUT THERES NO USE HOLLERIN AT YOU AND YOUR SISTER {STOP} THEY SAY YOU GOTTA LEARN THINGS FOR YOUR OWN SELF THESE DAYS {STOP} WASNT LIKE WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE IS ALL IM SAYIN {STOP}

HERR DR LIVINGSTONE, WE PRESUME {STOP} HOW HAVE YOUR WEATHERS BEEN {STOP} LONG JOURNEY OF IMAGINATION AND INVENTION {STOP} ALL ROADS LEAD TO ALLAH {STOP} CAUSE Y CANT {STOP} Y WONT {STOP} AND Y DONT STOP {STOP} UH EVERYTHINGS UNDER CONTROL SITUATION NORMAL {STOP} UH WE HAD A SLIGHT WEAPONS MALFUNCTION BUT UH {STOP} EVERYTHINGS PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT NOW {STOP} WERE FINE {STOP} WERE ALL FINE HERE NOW THANK Y {STOP} HOW ARE Y {STOP} THERE IS NO WAR {STOP} REQUEST TO BE RECALLED {STOP} YOU FURNISH THE PICTURES AND ILL FURNISH THE WAR {STOP} IM HUNGRY ALL THE TIME {STOP} I DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP {STOP} I DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP {STOP} STOP ME IF YOUVE HEARD THIS ONE {STOP} THE HORROR {STOP} THE HORROR {STOP} MISTAH KURTZ {STOP} HE DEAD {STOP} ILLINOIS {STOP} CALIFORNIA {STOP} NORTH CAROLINA {STOP} AND THE REPUBLIC OF ESTONIA {STOP} WHEN DOES IT STOP {STOP} WITH ALL OF THE STOPGAP MEASURES {STOP} UH UH NEGATIVE NEGATIVE {STOP} WE HAD A REACTOR LEAK HERE NOW (STOP} GIVE US A FEW MINUTES TO LOCK IT DOWN {STOP} LARGE LEAK {STOP} VERY DANGEROUS {STOP} SENATOR EUGENE MCCARTHY {STOP} STOPPED US DEAD IN HIS TRACKS {STOP} SAID THE STATE DEPARTMENT HARBORS A NEST OF CAPITALIST SYMPATHIZERS WHO ARE HELPING TO SHAPE U {STOP} S {STOP} A {STOP} FOREIGN POLICY {STOP} THOUGHT THIS WAS THE LAND OF THE FREE {STOP} AND THE HOME {STOP} OF THE BRAVE {STOP} ACCORDINGLY {STOP} I SHALL NOT SEEK {STOP} AND I WILL NOT ACCEPT {STOP} THE NOMINATION OF MY PARTY FOR ANOTHER TERM AS YOUR PRESIDENT {STOP} BUT HEAR YE THIS NEITHER SHALL I STOP {STOP} THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW {STOP} ITLL SOON BE HERE {STOP} YOU AND I ARE VERY MUCH ALIKE {STOP} ARCHEOLOGY IS OUR RELIGION {STOP} YET WE HAVE BOTH FALLEN FROM THE PURE FAITH {STOP} OUR METHODS HAVE NOT DIFFERED AS MUCH AS YOU PRETEND {STOP} I AM BUT A SHADOWY REFLECTION OF YOU {STOP} IT WOULD TAKE ONLY A NUDGE TO MAKE YOU LIKE ME {STOP} TO PUSH YOU OUT OF THE LIGHT {STOP} NOW YOURE GETTING NASTY {STOP} YOUVE HEARD THAT STALIN WASNT STALLIN {STOP} BUT HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HITLER WASNT HIP {STOP} AND LENI RIEFENSTAHL WASNT REALLY ALL THAT {STOP} BUT GET THIS {STOP} HERMANN GÖRING WELL SIR HE SURE WAS BÖRING {STOP} BE IT FURTHER STATED THAT I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION NAMES OF 57 CAPITALISTS WHO ARE IN STATE DEPARTMENT AT PRESENT {STOP} NO SHIT {STOP} AND IT IS AT THIS STEP {STOP} THAT WE SHALL {STOP}